Holiday Scenes

Scene I : Tiny Parisian apartment, evening. Handsome and I are discussing plans for the holidays.

Handsome: It's official. I have to work the evenings of the 24th, 25th and 31st.

Me: Fuck.

Handsome: But I'll be home by 11:30.

Me: (Sigh)

Handsome: Well we could still have some things to nibble on and some champagne.

Me: (Sigh)

Handsome: We could even stay up and open the presents on the 24th. It's just pushing things out a couple of hours.

Me: (Sigh)

Handsome: Remember last year? I got home on the 31st at 11:30 and we drank champagne sitting in the window and talked until sunrise?

Me: Yeah, that was fun! I remember that was when you told me you were ready to take the plunge and move in together.

Handsome: I said that? I take it back.

Me: Jerk. Too late.

Handsome: But maybe we'll get invited to a party on the 31st.

Me: Yeah, maybe. But since now we can't even spend the holidays with your family in the country, and you won't be here until late on the 24th and 25th, can we at least get a tree?

Handsome: A tree? What do you want with a tree? No!

Me: Oh come on! Pleeease?

Handsome: They're expensive. And we don't have room for one.

Me: We can put it in the window in the dining room. Just a little bitty one!

Handsome: Even the little ones are expensive!

Me: OK, how much do they cost, the little ones?

Handsome: 25 euros!

Me: Dude, that is not expensive. You can't get a bouquet delivered for that!

Handsome: What do you want with a tree? We're not even Christian.

Me: It's a pagan tradition.

Handsome: (Sigh)

(Me : 1 Handsome: 0)

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Scene II : Tiny Parisian apartment, evening. Handsome and I are discussing gifts we are giving to various family members.

Me: I mean, really, the company is only contacting me now to ask where to send the gift? I ordered it two weeks ago!

Handsome: Yeah, they called yesterday asking for you, and I didn't know what they wanted, so I told them to call back.

Me: They sent me an email asking where to send the package. I didn't understand why it wasn't clear for them. I was like, this order for Mr. Reider goes to this address. This order for Ms. Reider goes to this address.

Handsome: That totally confused them, I'm sure. 'Why are there two different addresses for people with the SAME LAST NAME OH MY GOD!!'

Me: And now I'm all nervous that the order they contacted me about won't get there in time. I was like, please do everything in your power to get this delivered on time, since it took you two weeks to figure out you were confused.

Handsome: Good, you have to insist with those people or nothing gets done.

Me: But I mean, really, I ordered on like December the 5th!! Geez, next year, I guess I'll have to start shopping in November!!!

Handsome: (silence) Umm, that's what most people do......

(Handsome: 1 Me: 0)

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Scene III: Tiny Parisian apartment, evening. Handsome and I are discussing gifts we are giving to each other.

Me: I got you the best surprise gift!! You are never going to guess what it is!!

Handsome: Is it a _____?

Me: (frowning silence) I hate you.

(Handsome: 1 Me: 0)

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Scene IV: Tiny Parisian apartment, evening. Handsome and I are discussing the holiday menus.

Handsome: We already have foie gras, but I could pick up some smoked salmon and blinis and champagne.

Me: Cool!

Handsome: And oysters! We could order some oysters on the half shell and have those when I get back from work on the 25th.

Me: Yay! With mignonette sauce!!

Handsome: Ok, so what else should I put on the shopping list?

Me: Well, it's not food, but I don't know if you looked at how much wrapping paper is left. Check to see if there will be enough for you.

Handsome: For me?

Me: Yeah.

Handsome: To do what with?

Me: To wrap the presents you're giving me!

Handsome: (wide eyed) You want me to wrap your presents?!?

(Me: 1 Handsome: -14,965)

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Scene V: Tiny Parisian apartment, evening. Handsome and I are on the couch.

Me: Christmas is next week! Yay!

Handsome: (Incoherent grumble)

Me: Aren't you excited? We get to open presents!

Handsome: Pffff!!

Me: You're not looking forward to opening presents?

Handsome: It's not like I don't like giving or receiving presents, it's just that I've never really been into Christmas as a holiday. It gets on my nerves.

Me: Oh no, you're a grinch!! I'm going to start calling you the grouchy grinch!!! (poking Max, who is napping contentedly between us) Max!! Did you know your favorite buddy is a grouchy grinch? How could you possibly prefer a grouchy grinch to me?

Handsome: If you think it's bad now, just wait fifteen years.

Me: (Calculating age he would be, realizing it is close to his notoriously grouchy father's current age.) Oh lord, save me.

(Handsome: 0 Me: 0)

Happy Holidays, everyone!